 |
| Yankees owner George Steinbrenner |
BRONX, NY -- George Steinbrenner, the mercurial owner of the New York Yankees, has hired a new manager for the club, the team announced today. Maty McNeil, a 27-year-old unemployed man with no previous baseball experience will be the manager for the 1998 season.
"I fired Joe Torre after last year's ALCS loss," a testy Steinbrenner barked out to the vast contingent of New York media at today's press conference. "His performance and management were inexcusable, the cancer-stricken bastard. Enough of him. I personally hand-selected our new manager, a committed young kid who is absolutely determined to see this club back to where we were two years ago. I like him: he spends his evenings reading and studying stats - unlike our primadonna shortstop who seems more interested in banging models and throwing birthday parties than winning a crown -- and by God, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it god damn it! If you don't have a winning spirit, you're off the mother fucking team!"
Steinbrenner retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his brow before fielding questions.
Q: Mr. Steinbrenner, we've looked into Mr. McNeil's background and it seems like he's a drinker and an occasional drug user. In fact, he's facing a felony drug charge as we speak.
A: Nonsense! The case will be thrown out. He's gotten his act together. Who hasn't done a few lines of blow in this city? Next question. [Steinbrenner motions for a security agent to remove that reporter from the press corps].
Q: George, suppose they drop the first series against Anaheim. Is McNeil canned?
A: You're god damn right he is!
Q: Even though it's only a two-gamer?
A: Yes! How much more clearly do I have to spell it out. Shit, if they're both rained out, he's fired.
Q: Mr. Steinbrenner, your ticket prices are the highest in the nation. Aren't you worried young, poor children won't be able to see the games?
A: Don't they own a TV set?
Q: [Reporter shrugs sheepishly] Well yeah, but...
A: Then shut the fuck up
Q: One final question, sir. What do you expect out of Maty McNeil this season?
A: 120 wins and a crown.
The press corps gasped at Steinbrenner's final remark. The Yankees begin their year on April 1st at Anaheim (that's November 1, 2013 in reality).
No comments:
Post a Comment