New Yorkers rip manager over glasses

McNeil seated in his sun-splashed apartment in SoHo

MANHATTAN -- A bevy of New Yorkers prowling the city streets today ripped on manager Maty McNeil's eccentric new spectacles.

"They're stupid,"  Anthony Rizzo, a jeweler from Brooklyn, said.  "This is New York, the land of style and pizzaz.  Why would you wear glasses that haven't been seen in this city in 200 years?"

"I wouldn't be caught dead wearing those," Sarah Russell, a bond-trader who works on the 109th floor of World Trade Center 1 said.  "And I don't plan on being dead any time soon."

But there were a few who liked  the look.

Jacqueline Horowitz, a yoga instructor from the East Village said, "I like where he's going with this, I think they look professorial and sexy and I dig the vibe."

Time will tell how the specs turn out for Maty.  One thing's for sure, they may be embarrassing to wear at a post-game presser after a loss.

Leyland shit-talks McNeil

MIAMI -- Florida Marlins manager and defending World Champion Jim Leyland took a bizarre shot at Maty McNeil at Pro Player Stadium today.

"That kid's a punk," Leyland said.  "You don't attack your own players, especially a guy like Jeter.  I protect my players to a fault.  And I guarantee you that the Yankees won't win a crown under a skipper like that.  That kinda thing has no place in baseball.  The kid needs to get a clue."

Maty McNeil addressed reporters about the incident later.

"Leyland's on his high horse because he somehow won a fluke crown.  We'll see how the Marlins do this year.  We'll be playing them in inter-league, by the way, and I'm gonna make Leyland eat his fucking words.  How dare he attack me?  I'm a brand new manager.  I have a little guarantee for Leyland myself: he'll never win another crown: mark my words.  Twenty-years from now he'll be crying in front of reporters about how he couldn't get it done."

Jim Leyland smokes Marlboro Reds, Maty McNeil smokes 'Ports.  Apparently, these guys have nothing in common.

McNeil, Steinbrenner address team, media

The manager's press conference from today:

Projected lineup vs. righties (with stats vs. righties)

                              AVG  OBP   OPS               
1. Derek Jeter, SS           .318 .376  .828
2. Paul O'Neill, RF          .331 .394  .935
3. Bernie, Williams, CF             .339 .416  .990
4. Tino Martinez, 1B         .287 .366  .879
5. Darryl Strawberry, DH     .247 .353  .909
6. Scott Brosius, 3B         .280 .353  .764
7. Chuck Knoblauch, 2B       .269 .358  .768
8. Joe Girardi, C            .284 .317  .725
9. Chad Curtis, LF           .245 .354  .661
                             ===============
   Average                   .289 .365  .829


 Projected lineup vs. righties (with stats vs. lefties)

                              AVG  OBP   OPS               
1. Derek Jeter, SS           .345 .409  .983
2. Chad Curtis, LF           .358 .482  .839
3. Scott Brosius, 3B         .370 .436 1.117 
4. Bernie, Williams, CF             .350 .443 1.026
5. Jorge Posada, C           .357 .402  .982
6. Tim Raines, DH            .307 .428  .758
7. Chuck Knoblauch, 2B       .252 .369  .758 
8. Tino Martinez, 1B         .217 .340  .667  
9. Paul O'Neill, RF          .286 .320  .760
                             ===============
   Average                   .316 .403  .877

 
SICK!!!!!

Jeter parties, manager fumes

Derek Jeter partying with Shaq at a Tampa nightclub

TAMPA, FL -- After the New York Yankees Spring Training game today during which Derek Jeter went 0-for-5 with five strikeouts, Manager Maty McNeil confronted the Rookie of the Year shortstop in no polite terms for his poor performance. 

"What uh, what happened today, Jete?," McNeil asked as owner George Steinbrenner looked on. A puzzled Jeter, sitting near his locker hanging his head, mumbled a response. "I'm a little hungover. I was out drinking a little last night and perhaps --" 

But he was never allowed to finish his explanation because McNeil flipped a nearby table. Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera had been playing poker at the table, but the game was destroyed: two open decks of cards, four gatorade bottles, a Sony stereo, Rivera's bible, and twenty pieces of Bazooka bubblegum went flying through the air like a tornado ripped through. 

"God, easy skip," Rivera said, coming to his teammate's defense. 

"Shut the fuck up, latin Jesus," McNeil shot back, veins bulging in his neck. "Go out onto the field, now, and shag some fly balls. Don't tear in ACL." 

McNeil then addressed the entire club. "I want everyone out of this fucking room now! Go!" The players complied. 

"Listen to me, and I'm not trying to be mean or shitty with you for whatever reason you think," he said to Jeter. "We've hired a private investigator, think of him as a detective clubbie. He'll be following you around the rest of Spring Training. Anymore fuck-ups and you'll sit out the entire month of April. Got it? This ain't Greensboro and you ain't 19. So, man up." 

Jeter grew defiant. "But Boros said --" 

"Fuck Scotty Boras. He got his ass beat in a "random incident" today in a grocery store parking lot. Let's just say he didn't make it home with his Cheez-Its.  He got the message." 

Georgie Steinbrenner giggled and joyfully elbowed his manager saying, "God, I love this guy."

Steinbrenner hires young, new manager

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner

BRONX, NY -- George Steinbrenner, the mercurial owner of the New York Yankees, has hired a new manager for the club, the team announced today.  Maty McNeil, a 27-year-old unemployed man with no previous baseball experience will be the manager for the 1998 season.

"I fired Joe Torre after last year's ALCS loss," a testy Steinbrenner barked out to the vast contingent of New York media at today's press conference.  "His performance and management were inexcusable, the cancer-stricken bastard.  Enough of him.  I personally hand-selected our new manager, a committed young kid who is absolutely determined to see this club back to where we were two years ago.  I like him: he spends his evenings reading and studying stats - unlike our primadonna shortstop who seems more interested in banging models and throwing birthday parties than winning a crown --  and by God, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it god damn it!  If you don't have a winning spirit, you're off the mother fucking team!"

Steinbrenner retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his brow before fielding questions.

Q: Mr. Steinbrenner, we've looked into Mr. McNeil's background and it seems like he's a drinker and an occasional drug user.  In fact, he's facing a felony drug charge as we speak.

A: Nonsense!  The case will be thrown out.  He's gotten his act together.  Who hasn't done a few lines of blow in this city?  Next question.  [Steinbrenner motions for a security agent to remove that reporter from the press corps].

Q:  George, suppose they drop the first series against Anaheim.  Is McNeil canned?

A:  You're god damn right he is!

Q:  Even though it's only a two-gamer?

A:  Yes!  How much more clearly do I have to spell it out.  Shit, if they're both rained out, he's fired.

Q:  Mr. Steinbrenner, your ticket prices are the highest in the nation.  Aren't you worried young, poor children won't be able to see the games?

A:  Don't they own a TV set?

Q:  [Reporter shrugs sheepishly]  Well yeah, but...

A:  Then shut the fuck up

Q:  One final question, sir.  What do you expect out of Maty McNeil this season?

A:  120 wins and a crown.

The press corps gasped at Steinbrenner's final remark.  The Yankees begin their year on April 1st at Anaheim (that's November 1, 2013 in reality).